Sprinkled with Chaos: I hate the word.....(My miscarriage story)

Sprinkled with Chaos: I hate the word.....(My miscarriage story):          Miscarriage: by definition is the expulsion of a fetus before it is viable, especially between the third and seventh...

I hate the word.....(My miscarriage story)

         Miscarriage: by definition is the expulsion of a fetus before it is viable, especially between the third and seventh months of pregnancy.   You are probably uneasy hearing or reading the word and that's OK, me too. I remember being so naive whenever I heard about someone miscarrying. I wouldn't know what to say to them and think "but you didn't know the baby". Can I just say as a Mom of 6 and a Mom that has had 2 miscarriages "YOU KNOW THAT BABY".  From the moment you see those 2 lines you are connected to that child just like you are to all your kids. I myself, didn't realize how fast the "Mother instinct" kicks in until We lost our first baby.

         I hate what miscarriage robs from you. All the hopes, dreams, wishes, and it robs the security of pregnancy. From the moment you lose a baby you are forever haunted by the fear of it happening again to yourself and anyone else who is expecting. Miscarriage steals the joy, you no longer are happy for others that are expecting the same time you were. You look at other mothers to be and resent them, yet you pray for them, that they don't ever know your pain. It makes you cry, lay in bed and think of all the what ifs, what should bes, and whys. Mostly I hate that with a miscarriage comes this unimaginable silence. Its a silence that can't be described, the silence of not mentioning a baby you came to know and love for the sake of not making people uneasy. I refuse to sit in silence and feel like I'm alone in this. My story could and can help someone out there cope and may even save a life. I will share it to whoever wants to hear and even those who don't.  Here is my story of how and when I became an Angel Mommy:

           January 1st we found out that we were expecting what would have been (and is) baby #4 for us. And I would be lying if I said we were happy about it (how I wish I could say we were). We decided to keep the pregnancy a secret from everyone except a select few(I wish we didn't). Why?, because certain family members would be upset and say some things that we just didn't want to hear at the time. Oh how I wish I wouldn't have let others steal the joy of being pregnant and looking back now, If I had known that my joy would be stolen in such an awful way I would have screamed the news of a new family member from the roof tops! I have often beat myself up over hiding the pregnancy, thinking that maybe that was the reason we lost the baby. Anyway in the middle/end of January we had our first scare with the baby and rushed to the ER one morning for spotting. After what seemed like days of waiting i was wheeled away without Danny for an ultrasound. The tech was so nice and she informed that she couldn't give any information out and i was not to look at the screen at all. When she was finished she took me back to the room, sobbing my eyes waiting for the worse. As she hooked me up to the IV, she bent down and whispered that the heartbeat as 165.  The load that came off my shoulders was tremendous and i could not thank her enough for telling me.The ER doctor came in shortly after and confirmed that our little peanut looked amazing and resembled  Lima bean. Our due date was September 3rd. We went on and carried out our days as normal completely unaware of what would shortly take place.
        The morning of February 8th started like any other day, except I had spotting once again. So we dropped the kids off to my sister in laws and were off to the ER. We were so sure that the outcome would be the same(I wish I could go back and warn myself, It's not).  Again what felt like years passed and finally I was again taken away for an ultrasound. This time though it was a young guy who was just learning(I should have asked for another person) and he was sweet but I felt like someone with experience should be seeing me. Deep down I wanted the same woman you know cause in my mind that meant the same results (my way of calming myself down). He stared and searched and stared and searched, til he stood up and said that he needed to get a supervisor to come and over look his work. Optimism has never been my strong point but that day I was, I had to be (it normally back fires on me). The supervisor came in did the "cover" ultrasound, it was silent, he was silent (God, why did it have to be a man, as if that made a difference), everything and everyone was silent and still. While they were wheeling me out of the ultrasound room the head ultrasound tech placed his hand on my shoulder, looked into my red watery eyes and said "You take care of yourself". The look he gave at that time just gave it away, I knew at that point the results were different. Danny tried to calm me and he did some, saying I was wrong and we didn't know yet since the Doctor still had to see the paper work. Soon after the doctor came in, she was the same one from before. How hard it had to be to give someone wonderful news one week and then a few later you shatter their entire being. "I'm so sorry, there was no heartbeat." is all I heard her say because I completely collapsed back on the bed, just wanting my heart to stop along with my child's.
         We picked up the kids and pretended as well as we could that everything was OK, they didn't even know I was expecting. At home I cried, I cried more than I have ever cried in my life(I hate to cry). I laid in bed, just waiting to wake up from the nightmare that was before me(because it had to be a nightmare, right?). Poor Danny didn't know what to do, what to say, and everything he did just made me furious. He tried to talk to me, I told him to leave me alone, he would leave me alone and I would yell at him for not being there with me. He once told the neighbor that he just didn't know what to do, he knew I was hurting and he couldn't fix it. He was suppose to be my rock, but he just  couldn't do it in this situation. He was grieving too, for the baby and for his wife. The life had left me just like it had left the child in me.Depression is a hard feeling to describe and til that time I had never experienced it. I wanted to be happy, to play with the kids, to eat, bathe, breathe, oh it was so hard to breathe. I couldn't do anything but sit and mourn. Mourn for the precious life that would not be.
      February 10th came and Danny took the 3 kids to church, then lunch with his parents. They got home late in the evening and I had managed to get up shower, clean a little and see the kids some. I put a smile on my face for them but it felt so wrong to do it. Shortly after I had sat down on the couch I was right back in bed with pains (it was starting). The ER doctor mentioned contractions, heavy bleeding, but not no more than a period. As I sat in bed knowing that it was official, since up to this point I still was holding out for Hope, but I could feel the contractions as my body got rid of my baby.  I remember in my mind just screaming "STOP, STOP, I WANT THIS BABY, WHY HAVE YOU FAILED?" over and over to myself (but my body didn't listen to me). At some point Danny came to check on me, he had just put the kids in the tub. I knew that it was going to get worse and that we needed to get the kids out of the house. I told him "It was time for them to leave" and he literally rushed down stairs grab them out of the tub, ran them all to the neighbors and left them there. Thank God for our wonderful neighbors. They knew from the moment we did about the pregnancy and loss. Danny was quickly back by my side and asking what he could do. This is where my story could save a life. You see I was a "not text book" miscarriage.
            We quickly discovered that we needed to go to the hospital. It was way to much blood loss, completely different than what we were told to expect. As I stood up to head down the stairs and get in our van, all I remember is looking at Danny and telling him "I think its time to call the ambulance". With that I woke up on the floor, soaking wet from blood, and Danny screaming and shaking me to come too. He was already on the phone to 911 giving them our address. It felt like no sooner he said the address that they were knocking on the door(it was locked for the night). I will never forget the look on the mans face as he entered the bedroom and saw me. He screamed out orders for towels, some kind of chair, fluid bags, and that he had to get an IV started right now!" The two with him were running up and down steady bringing towels because I was going through them so fast and Danny was frantically telling them the whole situation. The way to the hospital I was in and out of it, trying to remember my birthday,name,the kids names as they asked over in over keeping me awake as much as possible. At the hospital we were introduced to an ER Doctor that no lie looked like a janitor. He was so sloppy and unprofessional looking that I thought it was a joke. But he saved my life that night, to him I owe a thousand Thank Yous.  He had to preform an emergency D&C right there in the emergency room since the OB on call refused to come in that night. I remember that part very well, I could not be given any thing for the pain because they were afraid I would go completely and they wouldn't be able to get me back. The nurse was telling me to scream all I needed and that she knew it was painful, but I didn't, I couldn't. The Doctor finished and walked out to call the OB again, Danny heard he arguing over the phone about a blood transfusion. Finally after hours of non stop calling the ER Doctor got the OB on call to approve a blood transfusion although he still refused to come in and see me.  After the transfusion was started, Danny went and talked to the ER doctor and asked "What went wrong" and that we were told "we could handle all of this at home". In the words of the Doctor he looked at Danny and said " yes technically you should have been fine. But this is not a text book 9 week loss miscarriage, this is something I have never seen and your instructor would say this could go wrong but don't worry it never does."
         Earlier in the morning hours I was moved up stairs to the maternity floor (how awful, too hear the newborn cries). I was on my second bag of blood and still bleeding out of control. A nurse finally went against policy and called my OB directly on her personally phone. With in minutes she was at the hospital, and I was down in surgery for another emergency D&C. When I woke up I felt so empty and as if I had been ran over by 50 Mack trucks. They sent me home later that evening where I began to heal physically,mentally, and emotionally. I was a long road but I made it. Don't get me wrong I still have my days and February 8th-10th every year since haunts me and sends me back to the days that are some of the darkest I have ever known. There is hope it does get better slowly, very slowly, but its does. It helps to talk about our baby, I don't like to pretend that it didn't happen, that the baby never existed or that I almost died. I want to share this story because so many are going through this hurt and pain, You are not alone. And if you think you need to go to the hospital listen to yourself don't wait and see it out just because they said it should be fine at home.

              If you read this and are going through this loss and need to talk please feel free and get in touch with me. I am hear and ready to listen and help.

A friend was able to get me a picture of our "Sweet Baby"

 

Meet us Monday The Twins (late edition)

       These two bundles of joy were completely a surprise and has rocked our family in such a good way. Elayna Brooke and Kennedy Jaymes entered the world on June 16th 2015 via emergency C-Section. Elayna weighed 6.12 and Kennedy was 7.7 and are fraternal. They just turned 7 months old and oh how I wish time would slow down!!! They both are doing great and are reaching their milestones like champs.

      I tell people that the only thing identical about them is their birthdays and gender. These girls have nothing else in common. Kennedy is always a good 5 pounds heavier than Elayna, she is always happy and easy to please, and her eyes are hazel. Kennedy is also the more demanded of the duo and will let you know right away if she needs anything at all. Elayna on the other hand is so small compared to her sister and looks like a younger baby in general. She is loves to whine, literally she will just lay on the floor and whine/scream for no reason at all but to hear herself.  She tends to stay slightly ahead of Kennedy on their milestones, she will very slowly work up to let you know if she needs you, and her eyes are blue. I promise they are really twins ;)

      Some fun Facts about the girls are listed below for your entertainment:

Elayna(left) and Kennedy(right)

1. Elayna was Baby A, Kennedy was Baby B.
2. Elayna is 1 minute older than Kennedy
3. Danny named Elayna and I picked out Kennedy's name
4. Elayna is a spitting image of my mom, we call her baby Jane often
5. Kennedy has my fathers name (James) as her middle name
6. I completely dislike the way Danny spelled Elayna's name (but his choice)
7. While pregnant with them they would fight each other (we watched them head butt each other during ultrasounds and I could fell it!)
8. Elayne has tons of hair and Kennedy is bald
9. Both girls were colicky
10. For the first few months they couldn't stand to touch each other.

    

    Elayna(left) and a picture of my mom(right)

The Mortons Go To Disney!!!!!

   

 OK so we haven't been yet but We are going in 2016!!!! Danny and I have never been and are excited to share our first experience right along with the kids. I didn't want to blog about it til it was set in stone and for sure happening. September of 2016 will go down in history for the kids and us as well. Thanks to my ever so awesome Sister in Law Carla for booking the entire thing! And arranging everything right down to the T.
      Ethan and Kamree have asked us for the last few years to go and well lets be honest money was always tight and I have always been pregnant. We plan on keeping it a secret until we get almost there.  I'm looking forward to blogging about it and the preparation that We will be doing to get ready for the trip of a lifetime. Hope you all follow along and enjoy with us :)

•     If you have any suggestions or comments on how to make our trip extra special Please comment them below!!!

Meet us Monday (Lexi)

Alexia Grace is our "Rainbow baby" and our "Twin-less twin". If you are not familiar with those to terms here are their meanings: "Rainbow Baby" is a baby that is born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death and a "Twin-less twin" is a baby/child that had a twin and the twin passed away. Lexi as we call her was born on January 20th 2014. I cant believe in just a week she will be 2! She was such an easy baby and I'm not saying that because she is mine, I say it cause it's true. She didn't even cry when she was hungry she would just whine a little. Everyone couldnt get over how laid back and easy going she was. She surprised us with her labor and delivery (which by far was the fastest one for us). She was so eager to come into the world she was born with the Doctor not even there and the poor nurse had no time to put gloves on. Alexia weighed 8lb 14.2 oz and was perfect.

Today as a 2 year old (well almost) she is still the easiest most laid back child we have. She has truly spoiled us with her behavior. Unlike her 2 older sisters she is a complete mommy's girl and is always right beside me. I cant wait to see what she becomes as she grows and starts to really adventure around. Since she is too little to ask questions to I figured I will leave you with some facts about our Alexia Grace and also include a picture of her twin whose an angel.

1. Lexi has brown eyes making the numbers 2 with brown, 2 with blue, 1 with green, and 1 whose eyes are hazel at the moment.
2. She has a fraternal twin who passed at 10 weeks into the pregnancy.
3. Her labor and delivery was only 5 hours long and with one push she was out!
4. Lexi had GERD while she was a baby and had to have cereal in her bottles to help her gain weight.
5. she was well over a year old before she got any teeth at all, we thought she never would get them lol.

"Not all Twins walk side by side,sometimes one gets wings to fly"

                  

8 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A MOM OF 6

8 THINGS

NOT TO

SAY TO A

MOM OF 6

YOU HAVE HOW MANY???..... Perhaps it isn't just me or perhaps it is, but it seems like the more children you have the more bold people get with their questions and remarks. I have heard just about every question, sly remark, and down right ignorant comment there is. Yes, I know that having anymore than 3 kids these days is completely out of the ordinary and heaven forbid if you go past 4! Here are my top 8 worse possible things that I have been told in my journey of motherhood:

1. "I only had 4, ONLY 4! 6 is just way too many"......... Oh really I'm sorry I didn't get that life memo that 6 kids was too many. Perhaps you can take one off my hands? You know lighten the burden on my shoulders. Now I wonder did you only have 4 because that's all you wanted or did your husband not want to be with you anymore? Of course the lady shut up pretty fast after I asked so we may never know the real reason she had only 4 kids, and she didnt take one of mine to lighten the load either (the nerve).

       2. "Do they all have the same Father?"... *Sigh* sadly enough I get this one all the time and I sadly haven't come up with a smart answer back to the people who ask. Although I have found that the truth surprises them enough to satisfy my enter "smarta**". Yes they all have the same Father.

       3. "I sure hope your married!".... As a matter of fact I am! And what if I'm not? Would it change anything? Would you somehow think anymore or less of me? In fact my husband is right over there (points to Danny who is standing only a few feet away)

     4. " You do know what causes that, Don't ya?"..... Swimming in a public pool? Am I right? Yup we know very well what causes "that" and by the way these are CHILDREN not "thats" or "things" or "those" CHILDREN!! Perhaps you don't know what causes pregnancies and that's why you are asking? Would you like me to draw a picture? or a live demonstration? (no one has taking us up on these offers) but they do however move ignorant people along quickly. (and no we wouldn't do a live demonstration!)

     5. "Well 2 have brown eyes and yours are blue"....... Thank you Captain obvious, I was unaware of my kids' eye colors. Yes 2 have brown eyes and mine are blue that is the beauty of genes. Some kids can look like the mother and some like their Father. Except that one, that child doesn't look like either of us and we believe the hospital gave us the wrong baby. No not really, she is a spitting image of my mom. Oh and by the way husband has brown eyes ;)

    6. "TWINS! You had twins?, I would never have twins!"......Really, I didn't have them my husband did. Its not like there was someone going "twins, who wants to have twins?" and I shouted "I volunteer as tribute", "I will have them". That's not how this all works. We were simply blessed to have them and all their siblings.

  7. "There's birth control out there; you know?"..... Yes, Yes I know there are tons of birth control out there, and if you look at my records you will see that I was on different types of birth control with my last 5 pregnancies. And it really is no ones business what we do in the privacy of our bedroom!

   8. "I sure hope one of you got or are getting "fixed"".....Why would you even ask this question, really? It is non of your business! I'm still working on a come back for this one since it has become a fairly common one now for us. I still get taken by surprise when we hear this one and have to control the urge to drop kick the person asking.

   There is my list of things you just don't ask or say to a mom of 6 (at least this momma). The way I see it, is the kids are happy, healthy, well cared for and Loved beyond measure. Danny and I wouldn't trade a single thing about any of them and we couldn't imagine life with out any of them.

Meet us Monday (Ainsley)

 

         Ainsley May entered our family on October 17th 2011. She was the sweetest baby we could have asked for with having a 3 and 2 year old at home already. Weighing in at 8.13 1/4 lbs she was perfect.
We knew right away that Ainsley had brown eyes and they are the darkest brown I have ever seen. Her Daddy still calls her his Brown eyed girl and a Daddy's girl she is. As a baby she was all about Danny and no one else, not even me. I remember feeding for when she was 6 months old and Danny would get home for work, Ainsley would stop eating and wouldn't eat another bite till it was Danny feeding her. Absolutly an unbreakable Daddy/daughter bond is between them.

"James Bonding"

       Today Ainsley is a very spunky, crazy, 4 year old Diva. She is always into something and I mean ALWAYS!!! If this child doesnt grow up to be a Navy Seal,she isn't doing the right job.  She can open anything childproof, climb up anything, and she will not make a sound doing it. She has been caught as I say "James Bonding"(pic to left) the top of the fridge to sneak candy to hiding in the cabnets when she knows she is in trouble. Non the less She is a sweet heart deep down and truely cares about the others
around her. We did recently find out that she has low grade hearing loss in both ears and hoping that a second set of tubes will help her with that. Which is the cause of her being slow to talk and being not understandable til just recently. I will be doing a blog about all that shortly as well as an update and information post :) Ainsley doesn't let anything slow her down and always has a smile on her face. Like Ethan and Kamree i have below the same questions I asked them and Miss Ainsley's answers for them.

• What is your favorite color? "Hmmmmm, Pink".
• What is your favorite thing? " Like german shepards, labs, huskys" "Dogs I Like dogs"
• What do you want to be when you grow up? "WHATTT?, I don't know."
• Want to get married? '' Yeah"
• Want kids and how many? " Yes, 5!! Boys and Girls."